Rodney Carrington
All About Sex
Morning Wood

Country flower, you know they make that shit Massengill Country flower is pooty poo freshener, that's what it is, ooh it smells like a country flower well who wants to eat a country flower? make a flavor we like, chicken, beef bouillon, anything gimme a reason to take my hat off and go down there. i feel like chicken tonight, chicken tonight! I had 3 sisters growin up there was shit in the bathtub that I didn't know what it was until I was 25. Mama had that big water bottle hangin off in there, to me it was just a really neat squirt gun. I was in there trying to blow it up, pfhfhghtff you can't blow that sumbitch up you'll bust a blood vessel in your head and don't suck on it ughh. Mama said get that out of your mouth do you know where that's been, she wants to kill ya cuz she thinks she's raising a fuckin heathen, daddy's laughin his ass off cuz he was in there 3 hours earlier tryin to do the same damn thing. He didn't know what it was, he was out there watering the plants with that sonofabitch. You don't see those anymore, the days of the water bottle are gone, women these days are naturally fresh, they figured out soap works. I married a woman who's got an identical twin sister and they look just alike, naturally I married way over my fuckin head, she's gorgeous. If she walked in here right now you'd be like what the fuck how did you get her? Personality. It's all I had. But I tell ya this, you marry a twin, you date a twin, you fuck one, you pretty much wanna fuck the other. Call me crazy. But here's some real good advice, don't ever bring that up. That was a shitty Christmas, I got news for ya. I never planned to get married, men never plan to get married, women do, "I'm gonna get married, I'm gonna have a big house, and he's gonna work, and I'm not" ---dream ooooonnnnn, hooker! Dream the fuck on. You wanna know why a man get's married, it's because *sob* he's in a relationship so long he just fuckin gives up! All right I'll marry ya, you happy? Oh yeah ha ha ha ha. Then comes the plannin of the wedding and every day is an event to her " what do you think about the napkins and the sign-in book and my dress and the panties and blah blah blah blah fuckin blah. I don't give a shit, just make sure there's beer and whiskey when the shit's over with! Cuz I'll tell ya somethin boys, at this point in time, you don't know how bad you screwed up! You just know there's a big event comin up and somehow, YOU'RE INVOLVED! Then comes the day of the wedding you're dressed up and she's dressed up no turnin back now is there uh-uh. Everybody's shakin your hand, takin your picture, congratulations you just won a seat in the fuckin senate for all you know you're clueless *coo coo coo, coo coo coo* Afterwards you're at the reception drinkin beer with your buddies oblivious to what the fuck you just did wooooooooooo you sumbitch you did it, you got married you bastard, and then everybody just LEAVES! What the f- hey wwwwait where y'all goin don't you leave me here, ohhhh shit! I gotta stay with her forever, oh shit! Then it dawns on you what you just did, you committed, you committed until you are dead *squawk dead*. It's not the emotional committment that bothers a man, if he tells you he loves you he loves you. Or else he's just drunk, and wants a little pussy! What' s wrong with that? Nothin. Share your puss, for god's sakes! Share it with a stranger for god's sakes. There's nothin wrong with that, it's the physical committment that bothers a man, the long term physical commitment. The lack of nobody else's pussy for the rest of his fuckin life! Same woman forever, feels the same looks the same feels the same looks the same feels the same looks the same smells the same feels the same looks the same feels the same looks the same god damnit! There's only so many green m&ms a man can eat before he just goes fuck! I want a red one! It's not that I don't want green m&ms, I just don't want them every god damn day of the week, fuck! shit! I want excitement, I want kinky, I don't want real kinky I've had that "Pee on me!" "What? I'm not gonna pee on ya, I got the dog, I'll bring him in he'll pee on ya. Shit woman, you're weird." It takes a lot for a man to call a woman weird in the bedroom, you really gotta do somethin freaky for a man to go "what the fuck put that stick down and get the fuck outta here!" A man has a sexual tolerance like a fuckin dinosaur he can really put up with a lot when there's a naked woman standin in front of him. I'm not shittin ya if a man came out of the bathroom near a dark corner around here and there was a woman standing next to it with her miniskirt pulled up goin "Look this peanut fits right here! " a man would go "What the fuck, hey, shit, it does doesn't it. What you drankin?" That's weird but you ain't gonna tell her cuz that's some shit we don't see on a regular basis and she might stop! But if there was a man over there with his pecker hangin out rubbin pimento cheese all over it and a woman walked by and he went "Loooky here" she'd go "What the fuck are you crazy?" That's where we're different, men and women, men think about pussy 24 hours a day; I know you women are goin "Not my man" BULLSHIT! I don't care if he wears a white collar to work on Sundays, and carries a bible, he's thinkin about pussy! We're consumed by it , my wife asks me "do you ever think about cheatin on me?" Every god damn day of the week, I'm a man I got a dick, pussy is my friend, I can't help it I think about it every second of the day, if you cracked my head open a million little hairy triangles would take off runnin. That's the greatest marketing tool there is, pussy. If you sold wheelbarrows for a livin this is all your commercial would have to consist of, a beautiful naked woman sittin in a lawn chair no word ever said she just goes mmmmmm and your wheelbarrow flashes up on screen, you could not sell enough fuckin wheelbarrows. If you had a cereal called 'Pussy Puffs' there'd be a line out the grocery store of men wantin to buy themselves some pussy puffs. Coocoo for Pussy Puffs! Works for a man, wouldn't work for a woman, you could not convinced a woman to buy a cereal called Dickeroos, you couldn't even make the chocolately ones a little bit bigger...ha, that might work "Did you see em they're huge, I ate two and I got full" I got married cuz I got tired of chasin it, I dont wanna chase it no more, I wanna come home from work and have her throw it on me *thunk* "what the..." *rararararararara* I wanna come home from work when she's choppin onions throw my arms around her rub her titties and I don't want no shit! I love you "quit it" show me your titties, men will act like children , "let me see your titties, I hate you, I'm runnin away I'm fuckin runnin away" women never have to beg lemme see your weiner *aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh* we can't get that fucker out quick enough! I've had that crazy ass woman, the one that scares ya a little bit but you like it, I had a woman lean over naked in bed one night whisper to me "I'm gonna stick my finger in your butt" I said "no you're not" She had big long fingernails, I coulda been killed! *Comedian found dead, fingernail stuck in ass bled to death" Horrible. We got three children , three boys Zac Sam and George. One sylable names so that if I get pissed, i don't wanna be thinkin' "Bartholomew" That shit wouldn't work at my house. I got a 3 year old named Sam, naked all the time, won't wear clothes, he's like a little hippie walkin around the house, I'm convinced he'd smoke dope if I let him. He walked in front of me the other night, no clothes on, I was eating Cheetoes, watchin TV, I just saw him out of the corner of my eye shit on the floor and keep walkin, I just saw two brown things come out from his ass and hit the carpet, which aint that far, about this far, not kiddin. I just thought he did not just do what I think he just did, then he just turned and looked at me like "What you gonna do about it daddy" so I rubbed his nose in it and whipped him with a newspaper. He was takin a bath the other night, Sam is the crazy one in the bunch, oblivious to anything that goes on around him, he doesn't give a shit, he was sittin in the bathtub the other night, I was on the floor, readin the newspaper, he has a boat that with a propeller that blows a big nice stream of water, holdin it in front of him, on his pecker, the only thing he knew was that it felt really good, I just noticed he got real quiet and still and looked over in the tub to see it was hard as a rock, and we took PICTURES! So proud of him, I gotta tell ya my wife and children left and took the kids to their granddaddy's house and I was alone and I took a bath. I never take a bath. I looked up and there was that boat. Your children will teach you so much. I have a bigger boat now. I tell you whut they're the best form of birth control there is, you don't want to have any more kids have three, you never get a chance to do it ever again, by the time you get ready to go to bed to do it, you're too fuckin tired you just wanna go to sleep...I'll see you in the morning. Honey, I think we fucked up...I miss you, I'm not shittin ya if we gonna do it we gotta do it during the day, we gotta create a diversion, we get all the kids, put in a Barney tape in the livin room, go "Look, it's Barney!" and run to the bathroom, slam the door *heh heh heh heh heh heh*, the only thing I can hear, I'm humpin my wife, really tryin to get into it, the only thing I'm hearin in the bathroom is fuckin Barney songs "I love you, you love me, we're a ha-" "Hey Mister Knickerbocker Boppety Bop, I like-a the way your-" "Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree, merry merry king of the bushes he" Fuck, I can't even watch Barney without getting a hard-on anymore. *End*